Growing Flowers Where Dirt Used To Be

Moving Day

2008-08-15T21:53:00.006-04:00

Although its presence was always lurking in the foggy future, I was not sure when this day might come. With the progression of events, it seems that right now is the perfect time.

I am finally done growing flowers. It was a long season. I have tended them, watched over them, and provided them with all they needed to flourish. I used the dirt that once existed to grow the most exquisite bouquet of blooms. This transformation healed deep wounds within, allowing me to let the past rest and move on with a happier and more fulfilling future.

I will bring my flowers with me to the other side of the world. The strength they have given me is truly of immeasurable worth.

The most sincere "Thank you" to all who have helped me in this transformation, who encouraged me find a new path and walk down it with all the strength I could muster and claim the freedom necessary to finally experience myself.

For no less than the next year, all blogging has moved to

http://smokeandoil.blogspot.com/

Thank you all for everything. Know, with all the sincerity I can send through the internet, that I will be thinking of you on my journeys.

Myrtle Beach

2008-08-13T19:33:00.006-04:00

My mom and I took a more or less spur of the moment trip to Myrtle Beach to get in some good memory/ bonding time before I depart for a long, long time.

Myrtle Beach is a pretty crazy place, but we had a really good time and partook in a few in- depth conversations about how Myrtle Beach is a prime representation of modernity at its very best/worst (depending on your viewpoint of modernity). Huge buildings, huge cars, huge people, huge portions, huge shopping complexes . . . everything was huge. This was quite nicely offset by our mode of transportation: the Mini!

Here are some pictures:

The view from our hotel room

The pool below

Us at the beach

An amazing sandcastle

Huge shrimp!!

Hard Rock Park

I rode that beast!! Twice!

Exhausted in a big, white, fluffy bed after a long day

It's raining! How sad!

Luckily the rain appeared when we were leaving, not arriving!

Exile

2008-08-09T11:10:00.003-04:00

So, I have been back from the mountains for quite some time now, but a little too impacted by the experience for casual blogging.

The mountains have become enigmatic for me. They represent all that I love and all that I hate. They gave me everything, and left me with nothing. Within them, they hold my happiest days and my darkest nights. I cannot be but affected by the mysterious power illicited by these mountains; calling and expelling me, at one in the same moment.

Perhaps returning to the mountains so soon was not the right decision, not the best decision for my health and healing. Perhaps they represent a force, an omniscient presence, to be reckoned with for years to come. It may, in fact, be years before I am powerful enough to face them once again, knowing they can see within me the tumultuous past I left at their feet.

Beech, Sugar, Roan, and Grandfather are my judge, jury, and executioner. Their charge for me -- indefinite exile. Exile to a foreign land, far from the familiar comforts of home. Far from the friendships that have been built, and even farther from the one's that have been destroyed. In the spirit of the duality of the mountains; their charge is both a curse and a gift.

Cursed to begin life again, so close in time to the destruction of the last. It is hard to build with confidence where great tragedy once gripped the foundation, ripping it straight from the ground.

Within this exile also lie the gifts of space and novelty. Far from the physical manifestations of past memories, the ability to build a stronger foundation finds renewed energy and enthusiasm. Novelty can provide distraction, and new adventure can work to construct meaning and memory where there are now gaping holes.

From the opening ceremonies last night in Beijing, it is quite clear to me what I have in common with my land of exile. A people both burdened and propelled by their past, rebuilding from great ruin to the hope of a brighter future -- a future more welcoming to the gaze and touch of others.

It is unsteady ground, containing both pride and fear, both hope and despair.

I am

2008-08-01T09:25:00.002-04:00

going back to the mountains. I figure that with all the flat, big ring riding I've done around here this summer, I need to find some climbs to even out my little ring! I am also going to visit some important people before my final departure in August.

I probably won't post for the next few days, but when I come back Monday/ Tuesday, be prepared for lots of great photos of beautiful Banner Elk in the summer time.

More Family

2008-07-31T21:51:00.004-04:00

This is Vance. He just turned four. He likes being a boy.

Jozi and Vance playing with their "dog":

The Mess:

The rain storm we got stuck in at the pool

Vance sad that we had to get out of the pool and find shelter:

Nute (AKA Annabelle)

2008-07-30T13:10:00.002-04:00

Previously, I made a quite presumptuous comment concerning the size of Randy's cat, Nute, in comparison with Sean Ross' fat cat. I believe the exact words were , "Your cat looks like an emaciated Ethiopian in comparison." Well, now I have some evidence to support my claims. I present to you, 'Annabelle':

Clearly, she is the one on the left.

Life and Science Museum

2008-07-28T19:12:00.007-04:00

Today we went to the Life and Science Museum in Durham after stopping at Southpoint mall to drop off my computer at the Apple store to FINALLY fix my "S" key. Here are some pictures from our adventure:

My, what big teeth you have!

Jozi making sweet music

I made it to the top, but Jozi didn't come with me!

Jozi on the train.

And here is my brand new keyboard with my new friend hedgehog I got at the museum. You will be seeing a lot of him in the future. If you want to help me name him, I am taking submissions.

Thats all for now!

A Crazy Niece and Sick Cats

2008-07-27T21:21:00.004-04:00

Not too much is new around here. Since Wednesday we've had my six year old niece, Jozi, for a visit. She came all the way from Oklahoma. She is a serious handful. Her visit thus far has included trips to the pool, playing school, coloring, going to the movies, and taking the dog on a lot of walks.

Yesterday we went up to Richmond for a day trip to visit my sister Jennifer.

The Girls!

On another note, much of my summer has been spent keeping alive two ancient cats. Sadie is 17 and Kitty (pictured below) is 16. Sadie has failing kidneys and Kitty has the most severe case of hyperthyroidism the vet had ever seen. The normal reading for a thyroid is between .5 and .8 and Kitty had a reading of 23!!

We have to give them lots of medicine and feed them multiple times throughout the day. Its kind of crazy to think that these cats have been with me since I was five years old! Aside from my parents, they might be the only other thing that has been in my life for that long. I will miss them when I go to China, especially knowing that the chance they will make it through the whole year is not good.

Tomorrow we are going to Durham to get my computer fixed (new S key, here I come!) and to go to a fun museum that we hope Jozi will enjoy. I will try to remember to take pics and post them later!

The Original Nashville

2008-07-18T19:54:00.003-04:00

This is me before my ride today. I have to send out some props:

Helmet: Katie

Glasses: Jo

Jersey: 3po

Computer: Gonzalo

Bike: Noel

I suppose these people have, whether willingly or unwilling, become my sponsors, so thanks guys!

Oh, and Jo, this is for you:

Today's ride was pretty epic. In all it turned out to be a 40 mile ride in 2 hours and 10 minutes. I decided to ride to Nashville . . . NC that is. Check out the sign that welcomes you to the town. I think they know they have some competition:

The Original!

As I was riding out, I noticed some pretty substantial storm clouds forming behind me, but I was too far from home for turning back to be a viable option. I just kept going. I made it to Nashville dry and happy, and went searching for a place to fill my bottle.

On my way back, it seemed inevitable that I would end up in a storm. And it was:

Luckily for me, the second it started raining, I rode by a gas station with a nice overhang. I hung out there, and kept out of the rain. It took about 15 minutes for the rain cloud to pass, and then it was back on the road. The road was pretty wet, it was still raining a good bit, and visibility was really poor. But, as soon as I crossed over I-95, it was like nothing had happened! The roads were dry, the sun was out, and everything was back to normal. All of my belongings (camera, phone, ipod-- sound familiar Kristi?) were safe in my saddle bag, and I was happy to find them all dry when I got home.

Two is a Coincidence

2008-07-18T19:33:00.006-04:00

Three is a collection.

As of today, I am now the owner of a vintage Schwinn collection. I, unknowingly, began this collection two summers ago when I worked at Bike Club in D.C. One came into the shop, and the owner/ manager (Phuoc van Pham) allowed me to have it. It was in a certain state of disrepair, but after a few late nights, I got it looking like this:

I "gave" it to my mom, but after crashing it the first time she rode it, she has yet to ride it again. Everything on the bike is original, other than the wicker panniers and the white tape. It also lacks the signature Schwinn "S" seat, which my second bike in the collection still has.

At the very end of that same summer, another vintage Schwinn came into the shop, and because I felt I had to have it, I bought it from Phuoc. It was in great shape when I got it, and all I had to do was wash it, and put some elbow grease into getting rust out of the fenders. If I go out for a cruise around the neighborhood or to StarButts, this is what I most often use. I never had it in the mountains because the gearing and back-pedal breaks makes it a little impractical.

I came upon the third in my collection today, when we went to my mother's collegue's house. He is moving in the next few weeks, and the vintage Schwinn in question beglonged to his wife. She used it while she was at U. of Illinios. When he found out that I had two other Schwinns, he thought it would be a suitable home.

And so began my collection:

RSL Cycling Systems: Summer Training Camp

2008-07-15T17:41:00.014-04:00

2008 Edition

At Randy S. LaPrairie training camp, one becomes enmeshed in a great number of challenges. Located in the heart of Warren, MI only a few miles from downtown D'Troit, RSL Systems fuses traditional and unorthodox training methods to turn flabby marshmallows into lean, mean, cycling machines. Here are a few of the skills you, too, could acquire with a short stay at RSL Cycling Systems:

Paris-Roubaix level handling skills on the streets of D'Troit
The ability (and stomach) to kill a tent full of mosquitos with your bare hands in under ten mintues
Wicked accelerations out of stop signs and traffic lights
Camping without matches or flashlights
Swimming without towels
Bathing without showers
Tolerance for near freezing water in a gigantic lake
Immunity to pet hair
The ability to flee, in pitch dark, from a storm
The reflexes to escape a flooding tent in under five minutes
The patience and flexibility to sleep in car seats overnight
And, most importantly, the drive to ride faster than you ever have . . . ever.

The following is a testimonial to the week I spent cycling and exploring at RSL training camp.

Day 1: Arrival

I was picked up by Randy S. LaPrairie himself from the metro D'Troit airport at approximatley 11am. We proceeded to his house, where I met the fattest cat I have ever seen. (Dick, if you are reading this, your cat looks like an emaciated Ethiopian in comparison!) After a short stay and a snack to prep for the day's ride, we headed to Macomb Bike to pick up what would become my training tool for the following week; a Bianchi Vigorelli (as pictured below):

We returned to the house, threw on my pedals, and were off on the first of many grueling rides. Grueling for me, that is. We rode to Grosse Pointe, which has some sick houses (really huge!) and a really nice view of Lake St. Clair.

It was on this ride that I began to understand the ridiculousness of D'Troit city streets, which are the most poorly maintained roads I have ever seen with innumerable hazards to one's livelihood. I was pretty glad I wasn't on my bike, actually, because it was quite likely that I would damage it.

Here is where I gained Paris-Roubaix level handling skills (kind-of) and honed in on my cat-like reflexes (well, maybe the reflexes of Randy's fat cat Nute, who I renamed Annabelle). This first day saw some reasonable top speeds on the flats (maybe 25mph) but my hesitation and frustration with the roads and the novel environment slowed us down.

Day 2: Jew-Baby

In honor of Ben, Randy took me on a ride to Jew-Town. I was very excited at the prospect of seeing some of Ben's family, but we only saw a few, and they sped by us driving. Aside from the Jews, it is not in my memory that anything significant happened on this ride, only continued frustration on my part as a result of poor road conditions. The following are significant representations:

Imagine burying your front wheel in that. I nearly did. Multiple times. Hello new wheel set.

Day 3: To the Lake

We set out for a nice road trip to Lake Michigan, where we would camp, ride and swim. A leisurely stop in Kalamazoo for some wonderful beer (Yay, Bells!) and we were off to the lake.

This is where it gets kind of crazy. Actually, absurd might be a better word. On the drive there, which took about six hours because of our stop in Kalamazoo, it became apparent that Randy had forgotten a few key items. Whoops! These items included firewood, matches, flashlights, and towels. When we arrived in Manistee, we decided that we would eat dinner out, and make due for the first night and go about scavenging for forgotten materials sometime the next day. Then, we were attacked by these:

About a million of them. Okay, maybe not a million, but while we were trying to set up the tent there were, quite realistically, a swarm of about 50 or so around us, attempting to eat us alive. I have never, in my life, seen anything like this. I have been hiking in Mexico, to the jungles of Guatemala, and the villages of India, and never have I seen a mosquito population like this one. The entire time we were there, they never let up. They were relentless. Persistent. Nearly intolerable. Nearly. For some reason though, perhaps because it was so unbelievable, we found ourselves in utter hysterics, unable to control our laughter when entire swarms would surround us, deep in the woods, in the dark, with no flashlight. It was an interesting night.

Day 4: Fast Ride

Glad to be on the bike, and moving faster than the mosquitos, we went out for a ride on some of the rural roads around the lake. Randy warned me that, according to his training plan, he would need to keep a descent pace, I knew I was in for a hard ride. We warmed up for a mile or so, and then I tucked myself behind his wheel, and "zenned-out" by staring at his gearing and cadence. Our top speed for this ride was about 28mph, and most of that was into the wind. At a few points it felt quite taxing on my heart, but then I went back to focusing on his gearing and my peddle stroke. When we went back to the campsite, I collapsed in the tent, and he went out for more. Daaaaannng.

Day 5: Mosquitoes, Flies, and Rain

More mosquitoes, more riding, and some biting flies on the beach. We did, however, manage to acquire all forgotten materials from a K-Mart in town.

Our tent incurred some damage from a storm that blew through around 5am, and we woke to a leaking ceiling, and puddles of water seeping through the floor of the tent. We quickly evacuated, and slept in the car. We had to sleep in the front seats, however, because the bikes, the cooler, and all our other shit was in the back. Needless to say, I was a bit sore when I woke up. I was also, oddly, craving McDonalds.

Day 6: Back to TroitTown

We returned to the big city. With our drive, I was able to see the whole state coast-to-coast. I had never been to Michigan before, even though I lived in Ohio for nearly 6 years, so this was a treat. We were so happy when we got back to his house and could unload the Vue sans mosquitoes and biting flies. I was also happy to take a shower. We had been gone for four days, and I only bathed in the lake once. Yikes, thats kind of gross, eh?

Day 7: Fuck You Cement Lobbyists!!!!

Worst ride of the whole trip. If the roads weren't bad enough, we managed to find bad roads UNDER CONSTRUCTION!!! AHHHHH! I had a mini-break down, and nearly stopped riding entirely. Something about Randy's demeanor while riding makes me averse to being a little bitch, so I said fuck a few times, and then shut my mouth and settled in for the rest of the ride. I was exhausted with a headache and a sore wrist by the time we got back.

Day 8: Getting Back to the Pointe

Maybe because anything would have been better than day 7's ride, day 8's ride was quite nice. We went back to Grosse Pointe, and Randy did some of his own riding at intensity while I rode at my own fast pace along the shore. On the way to and from Grosse Pointe we were killing it, and I hit my highest top speed of the trip at about 31mph, on a flat. I felt like a fucking machine.

I am back in NC now, and can already see the improvement in both my physical and mental capabilities on the bike-- all thanks to RSL Training Camp.

Update

2008-07-06T18:22:00.003-04:00

So, I haven't updated in a while.

But don't get too excited. This is simply an update to inform any interested readers that I will not be updating for the next week. It's nothing against you, believe me. Its simply that I am going out of town for a week and will not be bringing my computer.

This should be a welcome vacation from the multitude of distractions that exist in internet-world, demanding my absolute attention. The result of these incessant demands is, generally, a nasty case of internet hangover, leaving me parched with an throbbing head. You know the feeling . . .

Until the 14th . . .

Picture Day

2008-07-01T13:26:00.003-04:00

Not My Day

2008-06-30T17:56:00.003-04:00

Not at all.

It all started with a wonderful trip to the dentist this morning. I cannot tell you how much I enjoy having sharpened objects thrust into my delicate gums repeatedly.

Afterward, cool, coffee inspired drinks were the answer for pulsing gums. They manged to completley screw up both my order and my mom's. I needed soy milk and got regular, and my mom did not want whipped cream (it's insane, I know . . .) and ended up with a huge hunk of it right on top of her drink. We took them as they came, knowing that otherwise they would throw the drink away and begin anew; a type of waste for which wasting I have no tolerance.

A quick lunch, and then my mom and I were off to get a $130 money order for my Chinese work visa. The resultant difficulty of this seemingly simple task added to my already mounting frustrations. Return home to a father dealing with the meaninglessness of a life without work,

add to that a down-pour at the pool the moment I arrive, and its fatal.

Hence, I now concede to frustration and proceed to take a nap -- the most effective antidote to all of life's minor woes.

Ooooo Baby . . .

2008-06-26T17:08:00.004-04:00

I saw him today.

You know who I am talking about.

I was at the pool, minding my own business, when BAM! in he walks. I couldn't believe my eyes. A cultural icon as important as Bigfoot, as mythical as the centaur, there he was . . .

FAT MAN IN A SPEEDO.

(dramatization)

How you made my day. And how fat you were. And how you tried to swim, but failed in all your unclothed fatness. But, don't worry, I won't judge. You brought a little euro flair, and thats cool.

Itching and Burning

2008-06-24T11:31:00.005-04:00

No, its not herpes . . .

So today, I had to be picked up from a ride. This was only the second occasion of such an occurrence in my history of cycling; the first being when Kristi had to pick up Gonzalo and myself from Johnson City precisely two weeks after I had started riding, nearly three years ago. Why we rode to JC is a whole 'nother story for a whole 'nother day.

Today the itching, burning, blinding eye lid rash struck again, even worse than yesterday. Finally, at the point of screaming, crying, or punching myself out (not sure which I would have done had it come to that) I pulled over, squeezed nearly an entire bottle of water into my eyes, and called my mom. We agreed to meet at a school about five miles from where I was calling.

This turned into the longest five miles known to humanity. Within those miles, I tried many techniques to relieve the excruciating pain, and finally settled on a system of glasses-less riding, opening only one eye at a time for intervals of one minute. I can only imagine what passing cars thought of my face, but that was far from my concern at the time. When I got to the school, I doused my eyes in water again, and closed them until my mom arrived.

I have resolved to get a new helmet, some sweat bands (jasweet!), and more appropriate riding glasses. Hopefully, one of these or the combination of all of them will help to alleviate my itching, burning, blinding, eyelid rash syndrome.

Any additional suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

On my ride today I . . .

2008-06-23T16:16:00.005-04:00

went fast

saw a dead snake

saw a live snake

saw a dead bunny

thought about a live bunny

read a sign that said "We pump gas for ladies and senior citizens"

got a free, ice cold bottle of water

was asked if I would be racing in France this summer

(in the Tour of . . . "Oh, what's it called?")

went slow

got sweat in my eye

saw a nice barn

saw another 50 after that one

saw a corn field

wanted to eat some

rapped to "What a Man" by Salt N Pepper, twice

snuck by a ferocious dog

beat a car through a stop light

saw a man lose 25 buckets of cement powder off the back of his truck at an intersection

rode by him

got honked at, a lot

got flicked off

flicked someone off

ended up with a burning rash on my eyelids.

not necessarily in that order . . .

Good Stuff

2008-06-22T19:05:00.002-04:00

Scrabble!!!

2008-06-21T21:42:00.002-04:00

The board:

My mom spelled a funny word

And so did I:

Anyway, there were a lot of challenges, a lot of made up words, and a lot of helping from Dr. Conklin. She didn't get a PhD for nothing.

What The Fuck . . .

2008-06-20T15:05:00.004-04:00

Look what happened to my car when I was in Target today!

Yup, thats me disappointed. Not because I really had any attachment to the thing, but rather because I was about to sell it. Now I get to pay who knows how much to get it back into selling condition.

Life, you're just fucking hilarious. Perhaps this is what I get for having a vanity plate that reads "Carma"

Should have thought that one through. Hmmmm . . .

For Your Blogging Pleasure

2008-06-06T22:35:00.002-04:00

I have created two more blogs, one is to chronicle my trip to China and is located at:

http://smokeandoil.blogspot.com/

The other is a "Status Blog" and was inspired by the concept of Facebook statuses. It is located at:

http://rebeccastatusblog.blogspot.com/.

It is just the case that I like things to be organized. Also, contrary to popular belief, I do not always think or write in organized paragraph form. My multifarious blogs allow for this flexibility in my thinking as well as my writing.

I suppose I am flattering myself to think that people out there would care. But, in the chance that you do, there you have it.

From Disorder to Order

2008-05-31T20:50:00.004-04:00

I have been saying for weeks that I need to finish unpacking, clean my room, do some laundry, and organize the mess known as "moving back home."

Well, today, I finally did it! I had more books than I knew what to do with, so I just threw them on my bed, and before you knew it . . . BAM . . . I had a book situation. For a while there, I thought I was going to have to sleep with Madam Bovary, R.W. Ellison, and Camus!! Oh, man, that would have been a party . . .

But have no fear, being a book person, I know how to deal with these types of situations. In no time, I had a "new to me" bookshelf in my room, shaping into order what was once utter chaos.

Memorial Day

2008-05-26T21:52:00.002-04:00

A leisurely ride in the Mini . . .

More of the Same

2008-05-21T22:12:00.005-04:00

So, I am realizing that I was a much more interesting person before "the accident." I had time to think about interesting things and then write about them. Now I just undress and redress wounds, and take and upload pictures in the process.

Actually, I am in the middle of a really great novel, which I will be sure to report on in depth when I finish it.

I will get more interesting soon, I promise.

Just Deep Enough (Thats what she said. . .)

2008-05-20T20:09:00.000-04:00

Still Healing

2008-05-20T13:44:00.004-04:00

Considering the swelling in my knee, I might have a few problems once the surface wounds heal.

Forgot to take pictures of my elbow yesterday. I will get some today.

I have to admit its gettin better, gettin better all the time. . .*

2008-05-18T21:50:00.005-04:00

I wanted to post these before the vicodin takes my consciousness and lulls me into a deep sleep. I got all off track with my reading schedule, and am hoping to make a comeback tomorrow. My house tonight was taken over by people from the college, as my mom agreed to host the after graduation faculty and administration party. More on that mind numbing experience later. Now, to bed.

*Getting Better, The Beatles

Where everything and nothing collide

2008-05-17T21:40:00.004-04:00

I did this today:

My particular accident was covered under "Pre school Prevention" at the hospital. Life, I just wasn't humiliated enough. . .Thank you.

Fuck Kierkegaard

2008-05-17T12:59:00.002-04:00

"In the relation between two, the relation is the third as a negative unity, and the two relate to the relation and in the relation to the relation; thus under the qualification of the psychical the relation between the psychical and physical is a relation. If, however, the relation relates itself to itself, this relation is the positive third, and this is the self." (The Sickness unto Death)

Thanks. Really helpful.

Porn for Nerds and Intellectuals

2008-05-16T00:00:00.003-04:00

Random Beauty

2008-05-15T19:58:00.003-04:00

Bahahaha. . .

Excerpt from "Oryx and Crake" (Atwood)

2008-05-15T16:16:00.003-04:00

"When did the body first set out on its own adventures? After having ditched its old travelling companions, the mind and the soul, for whom it had once been considered a mere corrupt vessel or else a puppet acting out their dramas for them, or else bad company, leading the other two astray. It must have got tired of the soul's constant nagging and whining and the anxiety-driven intellectual web-spinning of the mind, distracting it whenever it was getting its teeth into something juicy or its fingers into something good. It had dumped the other two back there somewhere, leaving them stranded in some damp sanctuary or stuffy lecture hall while it made a beeline for the topless bars, and it has dumped culture along with them; music and painting and poetry and plays. Sublimation, all of it; nothing but sublimation, according to the body. Why not cut to the chase?

But the body had its own cultural forms. It had its own art. Executions were its tragedies, pornography was its romance."

Where I Ride Now

2008-05-15T16:14:00.001-04:00

It's like a book elegantly bound, but in a language you can't read. . .**

2008-05-14T20:42:00.005-04:00

Not too substantial of a day. Mexican night in my family. We go to San Jose each Wednesday night and drink ourselves into debate. Tonight's debate touched on a great many topic. It was initiated by my father, unknowingly, when he attempted to recall a "memory" from this past weekend. The "memory" was actually a sweeping criticism of my 87 year old grandfather that, considering he is in the process of dying of prostate cancer, I found unnecessary and uncalled for. This grew into a discussion about whether or not we should reprimand him for his, objectively, bad behavior and terribly selfish ways. What was not under debate was whether he has these ways, as he most certainly does. However, it is my personal belief that, especially at the age of 87, we should live and let live. I cannot think of the benefit of attempting to change him, for he is clearly not going to change. Additionally, I did not see the benefit of recalling negative memories of him as he is dying.

I know that there are many negative memories; my grandfather was a brooding capitalist conservative who was most definitely concerned with profit over all else. He was also an unforgiving patriarch, who still reigns control over his wife in quite significant ways. I would rather cultivate the positive memories and hold him high for making the long and ardouous treck from FL to NC just to watch me walk across stage. I know who my grandfather is and was, and I did not come about that knowledge in the months before his death. My understanding of him was developed throughout my life. I prefer to hold on the positive memories of now, and forgive all else. I have gotten pretty good at forgiving lately.

My father is a very directive person. He has set beliefs in the way the world is and how it should be, and he wants to convince people of the same foundational beliefs. Fittingly so, he made his name in human relations and consulting. He is at a turbulent point in his life, as he was let go from his former job and is now "retired" but looking for other gainful employment. No one takes him seriousy, however, seeing as he is 60 year old. They choose to hire, instead, the fresh out of college or fresh out of grad school applicants who will surely be able to give more years to the company in question. Because my grandfather equates sucess with personal financial sucess, and since, in the long run, my father has yet to truly attain that, and probably never will at the level my grandfather is accustomed to, the two of them are destined to be at odds.

I talked to my father about the danger into holding onto anything too tighly. I told him of the buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hahn, who we read in intro to ethics, specifically his book Being Peace. In it, Hahn proposes that we should only be fearful of that which we hold too high or too tight, as being bound to something in this ever changing world will certianly leave you brokenhearted and useless in the face of continual progression. We should also be flexible, able to reconsider what we once through to be true, but not fear that we will ruin the integrity of truth, which has no absolute foundation anyway (sorry to say).

I brought this up when my dad started talking about the cancer, and how my grandfather should not, under any circumstances, attempt treatment. My dad believes that he has already had a long life, and that he should just continue living it normally, as if this forgien disease had not taken over his body. I told my father that such a staindpoint is the culmination of a very particular value set, and that value sets are personal and nor to be forced upon anyone, especially not 87 year old cancer patients. I think he got it, reluctantly so, but the seed was planted, which was my only hope. I am going to give him Being Peace later tonight, and hopefully he will find some gems in it.

Random piece of beauty: (I am going to find and post one everyday now)

**Death Cab for Cutie, I Will Possess Your Heart

Mother's Day Festivities: A Photographic Representation

2008-05-12T22:49:00.002-04:00

Connect Four Extravaganza

The Master At Work

Father and Daughters

The Mothers

Obama for your momma. . .

Graduation and other such ridiculous traditions

2008-05-11T14:53:00.007-04:00

So, graduation, they tell me, is a momentous event in the life of the graduate. Overall, it felt like a bunch of pomp, circumstance, and pageantry. I am not one to demand that people pay attention to me and my accomplishments, so the entire day went against the grain.

However, within the ceremony, there were a few incredibly significant experiences. During the commencement address, I actually began to cry. The commencement speaker, I am told, is the best we have had in the history of Lees-McRae. His name is Dr. Walter Earl Fluker, and is from Morehouse College. His speech was entitled, "A Call to Ethical Leadership." I took two gems away from this speech; the notion of the intersection and life worlds/ systems.

Midway through the speech, Dr. Fluker asked the graduating class to stand and close their eyes. He asked us to imagine the busiest intersection we could. Immediately, I was standing in Chennai, India with the cars and the rickshaws and the motorcycles and the bicycles and the cows and the pedestrians and the taxis and the complete lack of any sort of agreed upon traffic laws. I could smell the city and the lights flashed around my head, calling me in one thousand directions. The tears welled up in my eyes, as the imagined experience overtook my spirit and swayed me in ways I was not expecting.

The image of standing in the middle of this dangerous and pulsing intersection was the perfect fit for where I am in my life right now. I am standing in the middle of this intersection, viewing it in 360 vision. Sometimes I am frightened, but most of the time I cannot comprehend or escape the beauty; human life pulsing as I stand completely still and quiet enough to hear my own heart.

Dr. Fluker also spoke of the distinction between life worlds and systems. Life worlds are the minute ways in which we choose to live our lives each day. The clothes we wear, the music we listen to, the food we eat. All of these are used to define an existence and create an understanding of who we are as individuals and in relation to one another. Systems, on the other hand, are made of money, power, and technology. Systems do not care about our life worlds. Systems both enable and disable life worlds, as they create the conditions for choice and freedom, but immediately put restrictions on those conditions.

Dr. Fluker urged us to see beyond our tiny lives, and to understand that there is great suffering in the world. He wanted us to understand that we, the citizens of the United Stated, may not be in the position of power forever, and that is it through understanding, communicating, and developing an empathetic capacity that we will learn to inhabit our globalized world in more ethical ways.

I was the first person to stand upon the completion of his speech, and the rest of the packed gym followed. It was truly moving, and I hope that our graduating class took the time to open their ears and eyes to the reality of the world we are about to inherit.

Sociologists Extraordinaire:

The Challenge:

Psych You Out!

The Select Few (Cyclists):

More photos to come, as I more effectively commodify the Mother's Day experience. So many more words to come.

Random Conversation from Gramps

2008-05-09T22:48:00.002-04:00

Billy: "Well, I have two hearing aids. But they are in my suitcase"

Carole: "Billy, I am sure your suitcase is happy to be able to hear finally"

Billy: "Well, actually my radio is in there too, so I am sure they are having a good time."

The Day Before

2008-05-09T21:34:00.005-04:00

Today was a crazy busy day. I may have aggravated that on my own by drinking way too much at the bar, and then attempting to get a good night sleep (how dare I?!). Last night was a journey through the world using beer at my transportation; Tsingtao, Delerium, Magic Hat, Blue Moon, Bud Light (I DID NOT buy this beer), Red Stripe, and a Harpoon IPA. It felt really good, even on the walk back to my dorm, but once I laid in my bed, I got a case of the spins that persisted for at least the next four hours. I vaguely remember making a hot pocket around 3am, but only vaguely.

Today started with a driving, yes a driving, tour of the Lees-McRae campus. If you have not had the pleasure of visiting our lovely campus, then it might be nice to add here that you can see the entirety of the campus from one end to the other just standing in one place. A car was hardly necessary, but I have quickly learned that argument and reason are to be abandoned when the extended family is in town. Just smile, nod, and secretly bite the bullet. Hard.

I have learned a lot about my family in this trip, and have for the first time really seen my grandparents as real people, not just romanticized notions or archetypal visions. My grandfather is in a frightening state, as he is battling a cancer that may never leave him. He expressed his fear to me this morning, and I had a hard time keeping it together. It has been an emotional rollercoaster for the past few days, and I dont think I am pulling into the docking station anytime soon.

After the tour was the Alumni luncheon. Where I got the below pin. Note: Low cost. Classy.

Then it was to graduation rehearsal, where I was delighted to find my seat in the front row and devastated to find that the evil Deb Thatcher discontinued the honors tassels. Doesn't she know I was trying to commodify my academic experience and accomplishments? How dare she?!

Below are a few examples of my new academic regalia.

And below is the result of the entirety of the day with the family. Cracked. Hard. Ha.

So, people tell me that tomorrow is a big deal. I will have to obtain empirical evidence and report back later.

The "Its Not My Birthday" Celebration

2008-05-08T17:01:00.006-04:00

Yesterday sucked. After my fantastic ride, everything went downhill. There were a lot of emotions I was not prepared to handle, and I ended up balling my eyes out for a couple hours, unable to control the flood of confusion swirling and surrounding me. My parent's tried to make it a nice night, with beer and cake, which may have, in the end, added to my uncontrolled emotions as I got dunk off the beer and fat off the cake.

So, therefore, today is the "It's Not My Birthday" celebration, because I am so relieved it is no longer my birthday. To celebrate, I kicked my dad's ass at connect four at the coffee shop. In one of the various games, I secured a win in only three moves. See below:

I then went out on yet another ride I had never done. It turned out to be a little longer than I expected, and I was being a little bitch about the wind.

Thats all for now. The celebration may make its way to the bar tonight. More on that later.

Riding and Escaping

2008-05-07T14:04:00.003-04:00

I have been riding a lot lately. It was my goal to ride all of the major climbs in the area within one week. I completed that this morning as I made my way to the top of Roan Mtn, TN.

I think I have been using riding as an escape route for the variety of situations I presently find myself. It has worked fairly well, at the expense of schoolwork on occasion, and I will be out of here before I can believe.

2008-02-13T18:55:00.000-05:00

It is odd that I believe I have nothing to say, because I know that the words I have are enough to fill an entire library. I think it is just the process of beginning. Where would I begin in this explanation of my life, of who I have become and the conditions that brought me to where I am? How could I possibly begin to reconstruct that reality, those chain of events that have so significantly changed my core understanding of life, love, and all that fits in between? I am committed to this process, although it may take months, maybe even years to get it all out there, to come to some semblance of understanding and acceptance of all that has happened to me in the last six months. I may, at times, delve into the past, and try to re-work my understanding of some things, but I hope to spend as much of my time in the present and future, and move on from there. That is all for now, I am off to eat cupcakes!