The mountains have become enigmatic for me. They represent all that I love and all that I hate. They gave me everything, and left me with nothing. Within them, they hold my happiest days and my darkest nights. I cannot be but affected by the mysterious power illicited by these mountains; calling and expelling me, at one in the same moment.
Perhaps returning to the mountains so soon was not the right decision, not the best decision for my health and healing. Perhaps they represent a force, an omniscient presence, to be reckoned with for years to come. It may, in fact, be years before I am powerful enough to face them once again, knowing they can see within me the tumultuous past I left at their feet.
Beech, Sugar, Roan, and Grandfather are my judge, jury, and executioner. Their charge for me -- indefinite exile. Exile to a foreign land, far from the familiar comforts of home. Far from the friendships that have been built, and even farther from the one's that have been destroyed. In the spirit of the duality of the mountains; their charge is both a curse and a gift.
Cursed to begin life again, so close in time to the destruction of the last. It is hard to build with confidence where great tragedy once gripped the foundation, ripping it straight from the ground.
Within this exile also lie the gifts of space and novelty. Far from the physical manifestations of past memories, the ability to build a stronger foundation finds renewed energy and enthusiasm. Novelty can provide distraction, and new adventure can work to construct meaning and memory where there are now gaping holes.
From the opening ceremonies last night in Beijing, it is quite clear to me what I have in common with my land of exile. A people both burdened and propelled by their past, rebuilding from great ruin to the hope of a brighter future -- a future more welcoming to the gaze and touch of others.
It is unsteady ground, containing both pride and fear, both hope and despair.
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:-)
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