Not too substantial of a day. Mexican night in my family. We go to San Jose each Wednesday night and drink ourselves into debate. Tonight's debate touched on a great many topic. It was initiated by my father, unknowingly, when he attempted to recall a "memory" from this past weekend. The "memory" was actually a sweeping criticism of my 87 year old grandfather that, considering he is in the process of dying of prostate cancer, I found unnecessary and uncalled for. This grew into a discussion about whether or not we should reprimand him for his, objectively, bad behavior and terribly selfish ways. What was not under debate was whether he has these ways, as he most certainly does. However, it is my personal belief that, especially at the age of 87, we should live and let live. I cannot think of the benefit of attempting to change him, for he is clearly not going to change. Additionally, I did not see the benefit of recalling negative memories of him as he is dying.
I know that there are many negative memories; my grandfather was a brooding capitalist conservative who was most definitely concerned with profit over all else. He was also an unforgiving patriarch, who still reigns control over his wife in quite significant ways. I would rather cultivate the positive memories and hold him high for making the long and ardouous treck from FL to NC just to watch me walk across stage. I know who my grandfather is and was, and I did not come about that knowledge in the months before his death. My understanding of him was developed throughout my life. I prefer to hold on the positive memories of now, and forgive all else. I have gotten pretty good at forgiving lately.
My father is a very directive person. He has set beliefs in the way the world is and how it should be, and he wants to convince people of the same foundational beliefs. Fittingly so, he made his name in human relations and consulting. He is at a turbulent point in his life, as he was let go from his former job and is now "retired" but looking for other gainful employment. No one takes him seriousy, however, seeing as he is 60 year old. They choose to hire, instead, the fresh out of college or fresh out of grad school applicants who will surely be able to give more years to the company in question. Because my grandfather equates sucess with personal financial sucess, and since, in the long run, my father has yet to truly attain that, and probably never will at the level my grandfather is accustomed to, the two of them are destined to be at odds.
I talked to my father about the danger into holding onto anything too tighly. I told him of the buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hahn, who we read in intro to ethics, specifically his book Being Peace. In it, Hahn proposes that we should only be fearful of that which we hold too high or too tight, as being bound to something in this ever changing world will certianly leave you brokenhearted and useless in the face of continual progression. We should also be flexible, able to reconsider what we once through to be true, but not fear that we will ruin the integrity of truth, which has no absolute foundation anyway (sorry to say).
I brought this up when my dad started talking about the cancer, and how my grandfather should not, under any circumstances, attempt treatment. My dad believes that he has already had a long life, and that he should just continue living it normally, as if this forgien disease had not taken over his body. I told my father that such a staindpoint is the culmination of a very particular value set, and that value sets are personal and nor to be forced upon anyone, especially not 87 year old cancer patients. I think he got it, reluctantly so, but the seed was planted, which was my only hope. I am going to give him Being Peace later tonight, and hopefully he will find some gems in it.
Random piece of beauty: (I am going to find and post one everyday now)
**Death Cab for Cutie, I Will Possess Your Heart
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